I’m relapsing, I don’t want to.
“I am the Lightest shade of grey in A field of vibrant colors.” -Mark Foster
I’m relapsing, I don’t want to.
I’m so scared…. I don’t want it to, I’ve been struggling with recovery so so so much to let it all fall back to that but sometimes I just feel like I can’t. Like today, my jeans are tight again and I hate that, I feel huge, I feel my thighs giggle, my loose belly, arm fat, everything.
The urge of purging is stronger than ever and I don’t know how much longer I can hold it in… I don’t want to tho, I’ve been working so hard with relapses and stuff but that’s normal, I’ve been 20 days clean, I know I can make it.
It’s just so fucking hard…. I hate this.
like nothing comes out ok. nothing,
I’m fighting an eating disorder and sure I’m coming out of it but I feel so fucking fat and heavy and god it’s so frustrating and then I ruin things with the only guy I’ve actually liked in months, I came out as the most clingy girl ever! I wanted things to happen so much that I just rushed into it and gave all of my hopes to him (not a good idea and I know it) now he doesn’t talk to me and I’m pretty sure he won’t, ever again and it kills me cuz like I said, I haven’t liked anyone this much in a very very very long time :(
and at last, things at home are sucking balls, my parents are basically like North and South Korea right now and things are so weird
I’m feeling as small as a fly right now, It’s like the whole universe has joint forces against me or something /:
I don’t know if you remember but exactly one year ago I was suffering from an eating disorder.
It’s been such a long and painful road ever since that it seems so odd it’s been a year.
I’m not gonna say I’m fully recovered or that I don’t even remember those days because I’d be lying, The memories and voices come back to me as soon as I wake up, as soon as I look in the mirror, as I see myself naked in the mirror and the only thing left of the bones that once showed is a memory and it’s hard, it’s freaking hard to not feel bad about it, it’s hard to ignore all those voices saying how I am weak for letting myself eat again or for not purging but as soon as it starts I remind myself how it’s the complete opposite. I got out of an eating disorder, fought against my own self and did what was best for me. That doesn’t make me weak at all, that means I am stronger than I thought I was.
I’ve come to realize that it really doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter how you look or how much you weight. What matters is what you think of yourself and if you don’t think anything good then, who will? If you don’t love and respect yourself, who will? If you don’t forgive yourself, who will?
This is everything I learned from these past months, all the counting and all the dieting are no longer important. What is important is all the moral stuff.
I’m learning to love, to forgive and respect myself because I’m all I have. I am my everything, I am my universe and if I don’t get that then what’s left for me? Nothing.
Like I said, I’m still learning, I’d be lying if I said I don’t purge or think about it anymore, or skip meals, or count calories, I still do it sometimes without realizing it but when I do notice it I stop and remind myself how much I worked to get here an how I’m not letting myself down anymore because I don’t deserve it.
I’m not fat or skinny, I am me, smart, funny, clever, friendly, shy, future diplomat, curious, exited, crazy at times, happy, loving. The size and looks are an extra and we all have our own, we just have to learn to love it.
This may be long and I doubt anyone will read but I needed to write it and I really hope it helps anyone who’s in the same place.
Don’t lose your hope, we can all beat this, if I could, you can it’s just a matter of wanting it.
Good luck to all of you. You are all beautiful, you just need to believe it
I’m so proud (:
Recovery’s going better and better, not perfect or great but better.
How do people stand seeing and feeling their thighs touching?
How do they stand seeing their belly popping out?
How do they manage feeling bloated without that sick urge or throwing up?
How do they even eat without thinking of calories and how it’ll affect them?
How do they get dressed in the morning without staring at themselves in the mirror disgusted by how fat their body is?
Even tho I’d kill myself if I looked like that, I envy them because their happy with their bodies an because they don’t care and their thoughts aren’t eating them alive.
I wish I knew how to be like that…
First of all, because I’m NOT skinny at all, I’m a freaking whale that devours everything that crosses my way.
Second, because it’s making fall more into my bingein-purging cycles and I don’t want to, I was trying really hard to get through this and here I am, purging even twice a day, fucking sick mentally and physically.
Third, because I’m not a fucking “stick” nor “noodle” nor “table” or anything related.
it’s just making me more self-consious and I can’t anymore, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been dealing with this for over a year and I’m so sick of feeling this way everyday.
I just want it to, whatever way, whenever. I just don’t care anymore.
I don’t wanna live like this anymore.
Well, I’m screwed…
I don’t know why.
This sucks jabagdkehnx