I don’t know if you remember but exactly one year ago I was suffering from an eating disorder.
It’s been such a long and painful road ever since that it seems so odd it’s been a year.
I’m not gonna say I’m fully recovered or that I don’t even remember those days because I’d be lying, The memories and voices come back to me as soon as I wake up, as soon as I look in the mirror, as I see myself naked in the mirror and the only thing left of the bones that once showed is a memory and it’s hard, it’s freaking hard to not feel bad about it, it’s hard to ignore all those voices saying how I am weak for letting myself eat again or for not purging but as soon as it starts I remind myself how it’s the complete opposite. I got out of an eating disorder, fought against my own self and did what was best for me. That doesn’t make me weak at all, that means I am stronger than I thought I was.
I’ve come to realize that it really doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter how you look or how much you weight. What matters is what you think of yourself and if you don’t think anything good then, who will? If you don’t love and respect yourself, who will? If you don’t forgive yourself, who will?
This is everything I learned from these past months, all the counting and all the dieting are no longer important. What is important is all the moral stuff.
I’m learning to love, to forgive and respect myself because I’m all I have. I am my everything, I am my universe and if I don’t get that then what’s left for me? Nothing.
Like I said, I’m still learning, I’d be lying if I said I don’t purge or think about it anymore, or skip meals, or count calories, I still do it sometimes without realizing it but when I do notice it I stop and remind myself how much I worked to get here an how I’m not letting myself down anymore because I don’t deserve it.
I’m not fat or skinny, I am me, smart, funny, clever, friendly, shy, future diplomat, curious, exited, crazy at times, happy, loving. The size and looks are an extra and we all have our own, we just have to learn to love it.
This may be long and I doubt anyone will read but I needed to write it and I really hope it helps anyone who’s in the same place.
Don’t lose your hope, we can all beat this, if I could, you can it’s just a matter of wanting it.
Good luck to all of you. You are all beautiful, you just need to believe it